Fears as teachers, not as identity.

Fears have been a very present part of my life since I was a child. Fear of the dark (and I had my reasons), fear of not being safe, fear of pain, fear of not being able to, etc. etc.

My mother always repeated the phrase: "The evil that I feared, that came upon me", which always caused me a lot of internal discomfort. I couldn't help but feel fears but I didn't want to have them, because then they would manifest themselves.

She didn't mean to upset me, I guess she was telling me to put my fears aside and go for it. But a deeply rooted belief cannot be changed as if by magic, it requires much more.

I was raised in a very overprotected way, as if I had to be led by the hand because I couldn't do it alone, as if I had been taught to be afraid, but not that I had the tools to conquer them. For a long time, my identity was that of a fearful person, "I'm a scared person, I'm really afraid." That's how I used to talk about myself, telling my friends how distressing it was to realize all the fears I had and see how they held me back.

Since I decided to emigrate, my fears have screamed at me, and the volume was always so loud, that it was the only thing I could hear. I was jumping out of my comfort zone, letting go of everything uncomfortably comfortable, everything familiar.

Within 3 months I decided and organized my trip to Australia. I dismantled the home I had built, closed my private practice, quit my first job, terminated my services, sold my possessions. I cut all the ropes that tied me down, so I could take the leap.

I was like that for a long time. When something got into my head, I quickly made it a reality, and if it was something that scared me, I was even more impulsive. However, with time and experience, I have learned to be less impulsive because, in my impulsiveness, I have often run blindly and crashed into walls. For example, before traveling, I was scammed and they stole the $2,000 dollars that I was going to use for the plane ticket to Australia. For some reason, getting the tickets made me very nervous, so I decided to do it quickly, and that's how it went.

During those 3 months before traveling, 2 days I was convinced I was going, and 3 days I was wondering if I was doing the right thing, if it was the best thing to leave my comfort zone.

If that scam served any purpose, it was to give me the certainty that nothing was going to stop me, that despite my fears, I was ready to embark on the adventure of traveling.

I felt fear and nerves about having to stop at airports in unknown countries, about having jobs I had never done in my life, about being in a country where they speak a different language, about not fitting in, about getting lost, about someone doing something to me, in short, fears, lots of them.

Over time, and with awareness on my path, I have realized that I do not need to face my fears by blindly running towards them, like when you were little and turned off the light in the room and ran quickly into the safetiness of the bed so the monsters didn´t get you.

There were other ways, but I didn't know them until I learned them.

During my stay in Australia I stayed for a long time in places that were not the best for me. But I didn't leave out of fear, fear of traveling alone, fear of the unknown. That's how it went for me.

We tend to think that "bad things" that happen to us in life are punishments, when in truth, sometimes life needs to shake us up a bit to see if we dare to finally let go of what disconnects us in order to find places, jobs, connections, where we can flourish, where we can shine, from the inside out.

I lived on Rottnest Island, Western Australia, for a year and I often thought about leaving. The work was terrible, there was verbal violence, discrimination, racism. However, I didn't leave, I stayed for a year, because I kept convincing myself that I could bear it a little longer, because facing my fears was more uncomfortable than the discomfort I was already living in.

When a man at work hurt me, my life was shattered, and I finally decided to leave the island, heading for Exmouth.

What happened broke me into a thousand pieces. It plunged me into such an existential crisis that not even my spirituality could sustain me. My faith, which had sustained me in so many painful moments of my life, had also been broken.

My deep faith that love is the reason why we come into this existence no longer sustained me, because I did not understand how what had happened to me was a loving plan of God, of the Universe.

It took me months to heal, but I finally did.

I needed to break myself into a thousand pieces, to be able to observe each piece, and decide which ones I wanted to continue being part of my life.

I realized that I can endure a lot, but that sometimes the lesson is not to endure, but to let go.

I learned that there are no wrong choices, should I stay or should I go, there are just wrong motivations.

For a long time, in many ways, fear has been what has motivated me: I stay in this place because I'm afraid of going into the unknown, I stay in this job because I'm afraid of not being able to do something else, I stay with these people because I'm afraid of being alone.

Since what happened I have decided to always ask myself, "Why am I choosing this?" If the answer starts with "I'm afraid of," then I know I have to gather the courage to face whatever it is that scares me.

This is how, the decision to take a 2-month vacation in Indonesia was born, cause I wasn´t feeling confortable anymore were I stayed. Everything was okey, but empty at the same time.

I hesitated for a while if i should leave, "I'm afraid I won't have enough money," "I'm afraid to travel to another country alone," deep down something whispered to me "I'm afraid I won't be able to do it alone."

For about 2 weeks I saw my shadows, my fears, I cried a lot. I asked myself why was I putting myself in this unconfortable situation, I could just hold on for a few more months, stay where I was, and then jump from Australia to New Zealand (where I start my visa in October).

I grieved the old habits that needed to die, fear as an identity , to make way for the version of me that had been ready to be born for a long time. Knowing all the courage and bravery that it has, that knows the path that has been walked, the transformation along the way, and that knows the greatness and the inner power with in.

I have practiced meditation a lot, to learn to calm my inner waters.

I have started to practice changing the color of my thoughts, bringing them to the Light, seeing the positive, the abundant, instead of imagining the worst. I started to bring my mind to the "here and now", every time I would slip away a couple of weeks into the future and imagine myself traveling alone, making myself anxious.

I learned to lower the volume of my fears, just enough to hear them, but not so much that they deafen me and prevent me from hearing anything else.

And so, I let the Light in, again.

I started being able to listen to the messages that the Universe was sending me. Through people full of love, through phrases, songs, numbers, dreams. I was finally able to hear everything, including my soul, which had been telling me for a long time, to trust, that everything was going to be okay.

On August 6th my flight to Bali left, and as I stood in the boarding lounge waiting, I felt a calm and peace within me that made me proud.

I was able to see the whole path I had taken and be grateful for it. Each moment of grief, that has led me to shed my skin, to find this Flor, increasingly connected to everything that is inside it, my most genuine version, my true I Am.

I've been in Bali for 12 days now, and I've felt connected to life and to myself, to my inner power, more than ever. And all is well.

I have understood that I do not have to resist my fears, that denying them does not make them disappear.

I have understood that fears are great teachers, but they should only be heard, not inhabited, because then I do manifest them.

In the end, I understand that fears come to whisper things about us to get to know us a little better, to know what binds us and does not allow us to rise. They come to show themselves to know that when we feel them, perhaps our soul is trying to tell us that we are on the right path. That the path that scares us is the unknown one, but in the end, life is a path of which we do not know the map, but we know that our soul knows the way and guides us. They whisper to us that we should encourage ourselves to trust in ourselves.